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Penguin Ex Machina/Transcript
Cast (In order of appearance):Yami, Yugi, Tristan Taylor, Mako Tsunami, Gansley, Mokuba Kaiba, Seto Kaiba, Noah Kaiba, Téa Gardner, Internet troll #1, Internet troll #2, Duke Devlin, Kuriboh, Chibi-Kaiba, Chibi-Mokuba, Celtic Guardian, Orphanage Director, and Gozaburo Kaiba. Date: August 3, 2010 Running Time: 9:21 Transcript (Flying cards opening) YAMI: Yu-Gi-Oh! season 3! It's like a fanfic, only written by actual writers! (In a virtual swamp) YUGI: Where are we, Pharaoh? YAMI: I don't know, Yugi. It seems that Team 4Kids have left us stranded here without our friends. And by friends, I mean Joey. YUGI: Man, I haven't been this confused since I randomly started speaking with a British accent in episode 6. (Flashback to Episode 6: A harpoon is thrown in front of Yugi) YUGI: (speaking in a British accent) Bloody 'ell! TRISTAN: Holy bleep on a bleep sandwich! YUGI: Oi, mate, did you just throw a bloody 'arpoon at me? MAKO: Umm, I didn't want you to leave— YUGI: Shut it, you knobhead! Cor, what a bleep''in' muppet! Bloody harpoonin' everythin'! I could've got done in there, Right in front a me bird! What a fit bird she is! Bloody 'arpoon! What the bloody 'ell you playin' at, ya bender?! God save the Queen and all that palaver! Wanker! Tart! Loo! Fish 'n chips! Apples and pears! Fanny! Harpoon! '''MAKO': You are one bizarre little man. (End of flashback) YUGI: For once in my life, I knew what it was like to be Bakura. YAMI: Bloody hell! (Title sequence: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Cancelled Series) GANSLEY: (In Deepsea Warrior's body) Mr. Muto! We meet at last! YUGI: Gansley! I'd recognize you anywhere. Even though I've only met you that once and had no idea who you were back then. I suppose you're here to claim my body. GANSLEY: Yes, but only once I've defeated you in a children's card game! YUGI: But this is a virtual world of your own design! Can't you just throw me into a pit of digital lava? Drop a holographic concrete elephant on top of me? I mean, be creative! Why does it always have to be effing card games? GANSLEY: In this card game, we each pick one monster to act as our Deck Master. But once your Deck Master is destroyed, you lose this game and your body will be mine! I think the first thing I'll do is trim that ridiculous hair of yours. YAMI: Listen man! You can threaten me all you like, but lets get one thing straight: Nobody, but ♪nobody♪ bleep''s with the hair! (''At Virtual orphanage) MOKUBA: Isn't that the orphanage we grew up in, Seto? KAIBA: Correction, Mokuba: This is where I'' grew up. You remained relatively the same size. (''They see their younger selves) MOKUBA: Look, Seto! It's Chibi-me and Chibi-you! And you look slightly happier than usual. SETO: Oh my god! I'm... I'm... cute! (At Noah's lair) NOAH: Ah! Home sweet home, eh, Seto? You and your friends will never escape my twisted maze of illusions. Soon, you'll be face to face with the truth: the truth that I am truly the true successor to the Kaiba Corporation. The trueness of it will be truly truthful. (At a virtual valley) TÉA: Ok, so how did I wind up on Tatooine? (Several Hitotsu-Me Giants appear and attack her, while yelling random complaints) INTERNET TROLL #1: PWNED!!! INTERNET TROLL #2: DON'T GO INTO THE CONVENTION! TÉA: Oh no! I'm being attacked by internet trolls! INTERNET TROLL #1: THEY'LL KILL MY ABRIDGED SERIES! (Téa gets cut in the cheek by a piece of flying wood that chipped off the Hitotsu-Me Giant's axe, then runs away) INTERNET TROLL #2: PWNED!!! TÉA: Go back to 4chan, you freaks! INTERNET TROLL #1: STOP MAKING WEBCOMICS! INTERNET TROLL #2: PWNED!!! (In a hallway inside a virtual manor) TRISTAN: I can't believe I've been separated from my soulmate! DUKE: Who? The 12-year-old redhead with the awesome rack? TRISTAN: That 12-year-old redhead with the awesome rack happens to be my future wife! DUKE: We gotta get outta here, dude! I kinda have this disease where if I don't have half-naked girls applied to my body at regular intervals, I die. TRISTAN: Want me to take my top off? DUKE: I said half-naked girls. TRISTAN: How do you know it won't work if you don't try it? DUKE: Dude! Trust me, I know. (Back at Virtual swamp) GANSLEY: Select your Deck Master, Yugi. YAMI: (looking over his deck, thinking) Hmm! These monsters are indeed strong. Any one of them could prove a formidable ally. (out loud) Oh! Except for Kuriboh! Ha! Imagine if I said I wanted to choose Kuriboh as my Deck Master, eh? That would be absolutely— (Kuriboh jumps out of its card) Oh, crap in the Nile, I just chose Kuriboh as my Deck Master, didn't I? KURIBOH: Do-da-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! YAMI: That's an annoying Kuriboh. (Back at the virtual orphanage) MOKUBA: What's happening, Seto? KAIBA: Somehow, we're being shown memories from our past. This was back when I called you "Mokie" all the time. Because apparently, I thought you were named after a fraggle. CHIBI-KAIBA: Mokie! I believe I am experiencing character development! CHIBI-MOKUBA: Wow, what does that feel like? CHIBI-KAIBA: It kinda tingles... From this day forth, I'm going to become a total jerk with a stick up my ass the size of East Texas. CHIBI-MOKUBA: I'm little! CHIBI-KAIBA: Yes, Mokie. Yes you are. (Inside an orphanage classroom) CHIBI-KAIBA: And now, I sacrifice my pawn to summon Ultimate Elemental Hero Ultimately Shining Queen's Pawn! Now I am the Chess Prince! MOKUBA: Wow, Seto! Back then, you took gaming really seriously. KAIBA: Is that how you address the Chess Prince? MOKUBA: I just thought— KAIBA: Kneel before the chess master!! (Back at the virtual manor's hallway) DUKE: (theme music is becoming distorted) Time's running out, dude! I'm losing my grip. I can feel my mojo starting to fade! (Tristan is seen holding an axe) TRISTAN: Hold on, Duke! With the help of this axe, we'll be sure to find half-naked girls in no time! DUKE: Why would an axe help? TRISTAN: Haven't you seen those commercials? Girls love the smell of axe! DUKE: That's a body spray, you dork! TRISTAN: No, it was definitely a weapon. And the girls were all really hot too! DUKE: (theme music becomes more distorted) I can barely hear my theme music! TRISTAN: Here goes nothing. Come and get us, hot teenage girls! Yeeeeeiiiiii! (swings axe into wall) And now I'm stuck. (Back at the virtual valley, The Internet Trolls are getting ready to cook Téa in a cauldron) INTERNET TROLLS: ONE STAR! DOWN THUMB! ONE STAR! DOWN THUMB! ONE STAR! DOWN THUMB! ONE STAR! DOWN THUMB! TÉA: Those trolls abducted me! And now they're going to flame me to death! (gets immediately rescued by a penguin via rope) TÉA: And now I'm being rescued by a penguin. That's right. You heard me. A penguin. Geez, this show is turning into a bad Don Bluth movie. Actually, let me rephrase that: This show is just turning into a Don Bluth movie. (Back at the virtual swamp, Yugi vs Gansley) YAMI: I summon the Agnostic Celtic Guardian! AGNOSTIC CELTIC GUARDIAN: I'm not sure what I believe in. GANSLEY: It's no good, Yugi. With my Deck Master, the Deepsea Warrior, I can reflect your attacks right back at you. YAMI: Yeah, well, with my Kuriboh, I can... (music stops) Umm... What exactly is your effect, Kuriboh? KURIBOH: La-la-la-la! YAMI: (sarcastically) Oh, that's right. Being cute. How very invaluable. Honestly, I might as well have picked Yugi to be my Deck Master. YUGI: Hey! YAMI: I said you were cute! It's a compliment. Geez. YUGI: (annoyed) Your face is cute! YAMI: (cockily) Yup! (Back at the virtual orphanage) KAIBA: Not long after I became a stick in the mud, The orphanage was visited by the CEO of Kaiba-Corp: Gozaburo Kaiba. ORPHANAGE DIRECTOR: Ehh, the children are so excited to meet you, Mr. Kaiba. GOZABURO: They'll be even more excited when they hear I'm tearing this place down to build my very own theme park: Kaiba-land! ORPHANAGE DIRECTOR: Uh, but what about the orphans? GOZABURO: They don't get a theme park. Think, man. Who would want to go to a place called "Orphan-land"? CHIBI-KAIBA: Mokie, I think we just found our meal ticket. CHIBI-MOKUBA: Yes! Food! I haven't eaten in days! Those bullies keep stealing my lunch money. CHIBI-KAIBA: It's a figure of speech, Mokie. CHIBI-MOKUBA: Oh... Can I eat it? (Chibi-Kaiba confronts Gozaburo) CHIBI-KAIBA: Mr. Kaiba! I challenge you to a game of chess. And if I win, you have to adopt us. GOZABURO: Why in blazes would I agree to that? CHIBI-KAIBA: Because if you don't, then I will tell the newspapers that you were scared of playing against a kid. GOZABURO: Listen, small person. There's no such thing as bad publicity. Isn't that right, other small person? ORPHANAGE DIRECTOR: (scared) Ehh, Yes, Mr. Gozaburo, Sir! GOZABURO: Sorry for tearing your ears off, by the way. Sometimes I get mad. CHIBI-KAIBA: What if I taunted you by saying "Bawk! Bawk!" and making gestures that compared you to a chicken? GOZABURO: Nooo! Anything but that! You're on, kid. But I should warn you: when it comes to chess, I never— (Game is over, Chibi-Kaiba wins) CHIBI-KAIBA: Checkmate! GOZABURO: Best two out of three? CHIBI-KAIBA: You lost! GOZABURO: But I still have my horsie. CHIBI-KAIBA: It's called a knight. GOZABURO: Why's the knight a horse? CHIBI-KAIBA: I'm your son now! GOZABURO: Horses can't be knights. I mean, that's just silly. Chess is stupid! (Outside Virtual manor, Tristan and Duke escaped by breaking through the wall) TRISTAN: Here's Johnny! DUKE: So, where did all the girls go? TRISTAN: Gee, I don't know, maybe you scared them off with all your constant bitching, Duke! (Back at the virtual swamp, Yugi vs Gansley) GANSLEY: You've lost, Yugi! Your little Kuriboh was fun for a while, but now he's worn out his welcome. YAMI: This little Kuriboh holds more power than the whole of Team 4kids combined! And I'll prove it! Kuriboh! Activate super-chibi-kawaii-desu-moe-mode! ("Always" by Erasure begins playing) KURIBOH: Do-da-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! YAMI: And now I activate Robot Unicorn attack! Go mighty Unicorn! Cross the rainbow bridge and attack his Life Points directly! GANSLEY: Noooo! It's a full rainbow! Oh my god! It's a- It's a double rainbow! All the way! So intense! Ahhhh! (Robot Unicorn stabs Gansley and obliterates him) YAMI: What a digital dummy! KURIBOH: La-la-la-la! YAMI: What's that, Kuriboh? Téa's been kidnapped? KURIBOH: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! YAMI: By internet trolls? KURIBOH: La! YAMI: And little Timmy got stuck down a well? KURIBOH: Do-da-la-la! YAMI: We had best go and rescue them! KURIBOH: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! YAMI: (unenthusiastically) No. No, I don't love you. KURIBOH: (sadly) La... (Back at Noah's lair) NOAH: Quip while you can, Yugi. You're just delaying the inevitable. Victory is still well within my grasp. Ahhh, I feel like celebrating. Initiating disco mode! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (Ending: C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" plays) CAPTION: guest star [http://www.youtube.com/user/AntfishTAS Antfish as Gozaburo Kaiba!] (Stinger) MOKUBA: And we're going to California and Texas and New York! And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan! And then we're going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House! Yeeeeeaaaaaargh! (Post-Ending: Kirbopher & ShadyVox as the bitching internet trolls) INTERNET TROLL #1: WORST EPISODE EVER! INTERNET TROLL #2: YEAH, HE JUST DOESN'T CARE ANYMORE! INTERNET TROLL #1: HIS THINGS WERE BETTER WHEN THEY WERE LIKE FIVE MINUTES LONG! INTERNET TROLL #2: THEY SHOULD ONLY BE THREE MINUTES LONG! INTERNET TROLL #1: NARUTO ABRIDGED IS SO MUCH BETTER, GOD! INTERNET TROLL #2: WHY DOES HE KEEP PUTTING OTHER VOICE ACTORS IN THE SHOW?! INTERNET TROLL #1: THAT KIRBOPHER GUY IS SUCH A BITCH! AUGH! INTERNET TROLL #2: WHY IS IT DIFFERENT?! INTERNET TROLL #1: NO MORE DIFFERENT! INTERNET TROLL #2: I DO NOT LIKE DIFFERENT! INTERNET TROLL #1: DIFFERENT BAD! INTERNET TROLL #2: ME HATE DIFFERENT! INTERNET TROLL #1: WHY DID YOU CHANGE?! WHY?! INTERNET TROLL #2: I'M GOING TO UNSUBSCRIBE IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN! ...PWNED!!! 3x02